UK fails in Euro bid

Malmo: Despite its best efforts the UK, with its entry in last night's Eurovision Song Contest, Bonnie Tyler and 'Believe in Me', receiving 23 points, once again failed in its bid to come in last. The disappointing result means that the UK will have to compete in next year's event.

Malmo's Eurovision audience watches Bonnie Tyler last night

"Believe in Me" was up against tough competition for the last spot, which was eventually claimed by Ireland's entry - a ditty where, in spite of the sudden and catastophic end to our planet, "Love will Survive".

Oliver the Olivier

Would you believe it? The EU spokesman defending the ban on refillable olive oil dispensers in public eateries is called Oliver somethingorother. The only thing crazier than bringing in a law that such places can only have tamper proof bottles is passing the PR job onto someone called Oliver.