Tax payers protected as crash Tornadoes covered by fully comprehensive insurance

The Ministry of Defence has begun an investigation after a Tornado crew was forced to eject from their aircraft during landing at RAF Lossiemouth. The RAF confirmed the two crewmen ejected safely during the incident, shortly after 1700 GMT on Thursday however, thanks to prudent housekeeping, the crash won’t cost the tax payer a penny.
This follows the incident on 27 January when two crew members from RAF Lossiemouth ejected from another Tornado before it crashed into the sea. Again, the tax payer will not be facing the bill.
“To avoid the tax payer having to foot the bill every time a plane gets written off, the MOD now follows a rigorous procedure to get the best insurance cover for all its military hardware,” said an MOD spokesperson. Designated staff trawl through web–based sites of gocompare.com, comparethemarket.com, and moneysupermarket.com for the best deals or call directly and ‘give the dog a ‘phone’.
“We got some great deals for our planes and ships. Short of an attack by aliens from another planet – we are covered for every eventuality – even if a ship is sunk by a torpedo.”
Under the terms of the fully comprehensive policy obtained from Churchill Insurance on the plane downed in January, the Tornado that crashed yesterday was in fact a courtesy plane.

More than half of investors in Conservative Party 'from the City'

More than half of the investments in the Conservative Party last year came from the City of London, according to the Bureau of Investigative Journalism. Firms and individuals invested £11.4m in 2010, the bureau said, bringing the total from the City since David Cameron became leader to more than £42m.
The figures emerged a day after the government announced plans to increase the bank levy to £2.5bn this year and thus rendering another blow to the already tarnished image of astute lending by the City. The bureau said that 57 individuals from the finance sector gave more than £50,000 last year, entitling them to membership of the board of the Conservatives, otherwise known as the Leader's Club.
“I put in a hundred grand into the Tories so I could get into the Leader’s Club and bend Cameron’s ear a bit on some financial interests but all I got was an 2 for 1 meal voucher for Pizza Express and 500 Nectar Card points and now he’s gone and increased the levy on the banks – that’s my money down the toilet.” said one disgruntled investor.

First shots of Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in the musical ‘The Iron Lady’

Film fans have been given their first glimpse of Hollywood actress Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in the upcoming musical The Iron Lady. Streep said Thatcher was a "remarkable woman" and, like the character she portrays, needs her head examined.
Shooting has just begun on the musical that follows Baroness Thatcher as she broke through class and gender barriers to become prime minister. Written by Sex Traffic's Abi Morgan and directed by Mamma Mia's Phyllida Lloyd, the family, feel-good sing-along will feature songs such as “Dennis, Dennis”, “Won’t cry for Argentina”, and “Supercallousegotisticmakesthecountrynauseous”
"The prospect of exploring the swathe cut through history by this remarkable woman is a daunting and exciting challenge," said Streep, before being bustled into a padded van by men wearing white coats.
The previously well respected Jim Broadbent plays Denis Thatcher in the production. The actor was at a complete loss to explain how he ended up in what is likely to be his ‘Anthony Hopkins moment’.

New British fast car in production

Construction work formally begins this week in Britain on what is expected to be the world's fastest car. Called Bloodhound, the vehicle has been designed to reach 1,000mph (1,600km/h). The last wholly British-made car was the Mini Metro.
The British car will attempt to set the mark as it breaks the land speed record on a dried out lake bed in South Africa's Northern Cape late next year or just crash.
Bloodhound has been in design for the past three years. It will be powered by a Eurofighter-Typhoon jet engine bolted above a hybrid rocket. The power unit combination should deliver a thrust in the order of 200 kilonewtons (47,000lb) capable of achieving 0-1000mph in an impressive forty two seconds. The forecourt price is expected in at just under £1 million.
Environment campaigners have expressed criticism about the new car. “While we try to get the rest of the world to increase the mileage and fuel efficiency of their cars, we start building a vehicle that you’ll be lucky to see more than 0.04 miles to the gallon,” said an environment campaigner. There are also concerns about its general handling. With wheels nearly three feet in diameter and being nearly 50 feet long parking the car on the school run will be an issue. It also has a turning circle of over a hundred metres making the average three point turn difficult. The safety of the car is also in doubt. “All we need is for boy racers to get their hands on this car and flaunt the 30 mph limit in our towns and cities,” said a spokesperson from the Association of Lollipop Ladies.
Questions have also been raised over other aspects of the car’s design. With no boot, loading up the weekly shop – once you have found your fifty foot parking space – will be a challenge.

Knackered JJB Sports in takeover talks with JD Sports

Troubled high street chain JJB Sports, outfitters to youth crime, is in merger talks with chav clothier, the rival JD sports.
JJB recently announced poor trading in the six weeks up to Christmas, particularly in its beach and swim wear. The 15.7% drop in sales was in spite of a new series of BBC Crimewatch and its CCTV clips and reconstructions featuring suspects wearing JJB products. JJB is rapidly approaching collapse as its debt to its bankers is ‘more toxic than a Sellafield toilet’, according to sources. JD Sports, however, had better results over the same period as the company continued to benefit from its unique selling point of being the only high street nightclub open during the day. Combining loud music with staff unable to provide any advice about sportswear other than ‘it looks good’ helped JD Sports’ buoyant sales.
If successful, the merger will create one the biggest high street chains in the country, second only to Greggs the Baker. There will be one burning issue as the new board would hope to find an alternative to the logical choice of the new chain’s name, JDJJB Sports, which is a bit of a mouthful. Sports Sports could be an alternative.

£21m Luiz ready to adapt to crap football

Brazilian David Luiz, the new Chelsea signing, is ready for the challenges of the Premier League, a league noted for its fast pace, nice kits, big crowds and the substandard quality of its football.
"It is a major challenge for me but I am determined and confident in my ability to adapt to this excellent league, and I look forward to meeting my new team-mates," the Brazilian defender said. “I am expecting to have my legs and knees damaged quite quickly following a unnecessarily brutal ‘welcome-to-England’ tackle from an English defender and to lose all those skills I have worked upon since I was three.”
"David Luiz is one of the great defensive prospects in world football, and already a Brazilian international," said the Blues chief executive Ron Gourlay. "but I am sure playing in the Premier League will put an end to all that. Fancy Dan players are soon taught to forget the ball and concentrate on the opposing player."
The deal takes Chelsea's spending in January to over £70m, having landed Fernando Torres in a British record deal worth about £50m and Luiz will follow in the footsteps of many exceptional foreign players who have come to England and become crap such as Robhino and Torres. Apart from the huge sums of money he’ll be earning, Luiz said there were other reasons for joining Chelsea: “I really look forward to playing Grimsby Town or Yeovil in the League Cup on a bobbling pitch and having to resort to the long ball game.”