British Empire to revived

The English PM, Dave Cameron, has announced that he intends to revive the British Empire. The Empire was shelved soon after the last war but the Prime Minister is planning to visit heads of state of countries who freed themselves from the shackles of the Imperial Motherland. He will ask if they would like to return to the fold.
Speaking from Perth, Australia, where he is attending the Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (Chogm), Mr Cameron said: "I am delighted that we are going to start the British Empire again."
The British Empire was very popular and well loved for over two hundred years - particularly by the British. Although the Empire was thought to be less popular with the countries who were invited to join, often at gunpoint, vestiges of the Empire can still be found all over the world.

It's a No blow for Yes

Thursday’s AV referendum result has been described by campaigners for the AV as a bit of a blow. Nearly two out of every three people said No instead of Yes.
Voters in the country were asked to choose between No and Yes. This followed a month long battle of the podium between the Nos and the Yeses. The Nos basic argument was to simply vote No while the Yeses wanted voters to think out of the box and vote Yes. In the end the message was clear as the country overwhelmingly said 'yes' to saying No to Yes. ‘Yes, it was a bit of a blow for Yes. We expected more to say yes to Yes,’ said a leading campaigner. Asked if they thought that the vote meant the end for a foreseeable change in the election process, Jeremy Noyes said: ‘Well, yes and no.’

Gadaffi moivng to Hull

Foreign Secretary William Hague has hinted that the UK might accept Muammar Gaddafi going into exile as a way of solving the crisis in Libya. Mr Hague said that while he would prefer to see the Libyan leader held to account at the International Criminal Court it would suffice if Gaddafi ended up in a bed and breakfast in Hull.
However, Italy is also talking to a number of countries about a possible deal which would allow Col Gaddafi to take refuge, possibly in another totally unstable African state, and as far away from Europe as possible.
In an interview with BBC Two's Newsnight, Mr Hague did not reject the idea of Col Gaddafi going into exile. ‘He is about as popular as Japanese scrap metal is right now but money’s money and I’m sure Hull will welcome him with open arms.

Tax payers protected as crash Tornadoes covered by fully comprehensive insurance

The Ministry of Defence has begun an investigation after a Tornado crew was forced to eject from their aircraft during landing at RAF Lossiemouth. The RAF confirmed the two crewmen ejected safely during the incident, shortly after 1700 GMT on Thursday however, thanks to prudent housekeeping, the crash won’t cost the tax payer a penny.
This follows the incident on 27 January when two crew members from RAF Lossiemouth ejected from another Tornado before it crashed into the sea. Again, the tax payer will not be facing the bill.
“To avoid the tax payer having to foot the bill every time a plane gets written off, the MOD now follows a rigorous procedure to get the best insurance cover for all its military hardware,” said an MOD spokesperson. Designated staff trawl through web–based sites of gocompare.com, comparethemarket.com, and moneysupermarket.com for the best deals or call directly and ‘give the dog a ‘phone’.
“We got some great deals for our planes and ships. Short of an attack by aliens from another planet – we are covered for every eventuality – even if a ship is sunk by a torpedo.”
Under the terms of the fully comprehensive policy obtained from Churchill Insurance on the plane downed in January, the Tornado that crashed yesterday was in fact a courtesy plane.

More than half of investors in Conservative Party 'from the City'

More than half of the investments in the Conservative Party last year came from the City of London, according to the Bureau of Investigative Journalism. Firms and individuals invested £11.4m in 2010, the bureau said, bringing the total from the City since David Cameron became leader to more than £42m.
The figures emerged a day after the government announced plans to increase the bank levy to £2.5bn this year and thus rendering another blow to the already tarnished image of astute lending by the City. The bureau said that 57 individuals from the finance sector gave more than £50,000 last year, entitling them to membership of the board of the Conservatives, otherwise known as the Leader's Club.
“I put in a hundred grand into the Tories so I could get into the Leader’s Club and bend Cameron’s ear a bit on some financial interests but all I got was an 2 for 1 meal voucher for Pizza Express and 500 Nectar Card points and now he’s gone and increased the levy on the banks – that’s my money down the toilet.” said one disgruntled investor.

First shots of Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in the musical ‘The Iron Lady’

Film fans have been given their first glimpse of Hollywood actress Meryl Streep as Margaret Thatcher in the upcoming musical The Iron Lady. Streep said Thatcher was a "remarkable woman" and, like the character she portrays, needs her head examined.
Shooting has just begun on the musical that follows Baroness Thatcher as she broke through class and gender barriers to become prime minister. Written by Sex Traffic's Abi Morgan and directed by Mamma Mia's Phyllida Lloyd, the family, feel-good sing-along will feature songs such as “Dennis, Dennis”, “Won’t cry for Argentina”, and “Supercallousegotisticmakesthecountrynauseous”
"The prospect of exploring the swathe cut through history by this remarkable woman is a daunting and exciting challenge," said Streep, before being bustled into a padded van by men wearing white coats.
The previously well respected Jim Broadbent plays Denis Thatcher in the production. The actor was at a complete loss to explain how he ended up in what is likely to be his ‘Anthony Hopkins moment’.

New British fast car in production

Construction work formally begins this week in Britain on what is expected to be the world's fastest car. Called Bloodhound, the vehicle has been designed to reach 1,000mph (1,600km/h). The last wholly British-made car was the Mini Metro.
The British car will attempt to set the mark as it breaks the land speed record on a dried out lake bed in South Africa's Northern Cape late next year or just crash.
Bloodhound has been in design for the past three years. It will be powered by a Eurofighter-Typhoon jet engine bolted above a hybrid rocket. The power unit combination should deliver a thrust in the order of 200 kilonewtons (47,000lb) capable of achieving 0-1000mph in an impressive forty two seconds. The forecourt price is expected in at just under £1 million.
Environment campaigners have expressed criticism about the new car. “While we try to get the rest of the world to increase the mileage and fuel efficiency of their cars, we start building a vehicle that you’ll be lucky to see more than 0.04 miles to the gallon,” said an environment campaigner. There are also concerns about its general handling. With wheels nearly three feet in diameter and being nearly 50 feet long parking the car on the school run will be an issue. It also has a turning circle of over a hundred metres making the average three point turn difficult. The safety of the car is also in doubt. “All we need is for boy racers to get their hands on this car and flaunt the 30 mph limit in our towns and cities,” said a spokesperson from the Association of Lollipop Ladies.
Questions have also been raised over other aspects of the car’s design. With no boot, loading up the weekly shop – once you have found your fifty foot parking space – will be a challenge.

Knackered JJB Sports in takeover talks with JD Sports

Troubled high street chain JJB Sports, outfitters to youth crime, is in merger talks with chav clothier, the rival JD sports.
JJB recently announced poor trading in the six weeks up to Christmas, particularly in its beach and swim wear. The 15.7% drop in sales was in spite of a new series of BBC Crimewatch and its CCTV clips and reconstructions featuring suspects wearing JJB products. JJB is rapidly approaching collapse as its debt to its bankers is ‘more toxic than a Sellafield toilet’, according to sources. JD Sports, however, had better results over the same period as the company continued to benefit from its unique selling point of being the only high street nightclub open during the day. Combining loud music with staff unable to provide any advice about sportswear other than ‘it looks good’ helped JD Sports’ buoyant sales.
If successful, the merger will create one the biggest high street chains in the country, second only to Greggs the Baker. There will be one burning issue as the new board would hope to find an alternative to the logical choice of the new chain’s name, JDJJB Sports, which is a bit of a mouthful. Sports Sports could be an alternative.

£21m Luiz ready to adapt to crap football

Brazilian David Luiz, the new Chelsea signing, is ready for the challenges of the Premier League, a league noted for its fast pace, nice kits, big crowds and the substandard quality of its football.
"It is a major challenge for me but I am determined and confident in my ability to adapt to this excellent league, and I look forward to meeting my new team-mates," the Brazilian defender said. “I am expecting to have my legs and knees damaged quite quickly following a unnecessarily brutal ‘welcome-to-England’ tackle from an English defender and to lose all those skills I have worked upon since I was three.”
"David Luiz is one of the great defensive prospects in world football, and already a Brazilian international," said the Blues chief executive Ron Gourlay. "but I am sure playing in the Premier League will put an end to all that. Fancy Dan players are soon taught to forget the ball and concentrate on the opposing player."
The deal takes Chelsea's spending in January to over £70m, having landed Fernando Torres in a British record deal worth about £50m and Luiz will follow in the footsteps of many exceptional foreign players who have come to England and become crap such as Robhino and Torres. Apart from the huge sums of money he’ll be earning, Luiz said there were other reasons for joining Chelsea: “I really look forward to playing Grimsby Town or Yeovil in the League Cup on a bobbling pitch and having to resort to the long ball game.”

Electric Proms cancelled by BBC because nobody watched them

The BBC has axed its annual Electric Proms season after five years, citing financial considerations and the failure to locate anyone who watched the televised shows.
Despite featuring new rising talents such Sir Elton John, Robert Plant, Neil Diamond, Sir Paul McCartney, Dame Shirley Bassey, Oasis and Robbie Williams, it appears that no-one tuned into the cutting edge Electric Proms during its five-year history. Since its inception in 2006, the October event had taken place at the Roundhouse and other venues in Camden, north London and so the BBC could in no way be accused of being London-centric.
‘In the end, the expense of the artists receiving a free Becks and a taxi home was disproportionately high when considering viewing figures were nil,’ said Radio 2 Controller, Bob Shennan. However, he was “very proud of its fantastically rewarding run" with the venues being crammed full of BBC employees each night. The Electric Proms are not to be confused with The Proms, which features the music of boring old farts that is performed in front of privileged middle and upper class audiences in another round building in London.

Government turned down offers for Nimrods

The government is scrapping the fleet of new Nimrods despite of offers to buy them. The planes are worth £4 billion and it has been revealed following some hacked phone calls that Ryan Air, who were quite keen to incorporate the notoriously uncomfortable aircraft into their equally uncomfortable fleet, had asked if they could come over one afternoon and have a look. This followed an initial government attempt to sell them on Ebay. The airline checked the planes over but could only put in an offer to ‘take them off your hands’, according to sources.
Sources also revealed other offers for the planes had been received. The government of a country, which sounded like Iran in a secretly taped call but the hacker wasn’t sure, wished to arm the long range aircraft with nuclear weapons and fly around and around all over Europe and the US day and night eavesdropping on governments’ security networks . The sale didn’t proceed as Ministry of Defence wouldn’t deliver the planes for free.
The government eventually removed the planes from Ebay as a decision to scrap them was made so as to fall in line with a broader government policy. A spokesperson for the coalition Condem government said, ‘The government felt that dismantling the planes was consistent with the wider policy of spending vast quantities of public money on projects and then consigning them to the scrapheap. The Olympic stadium is another great example of that policy, as is the intended dismantling of the Welfare state.’

Police to launch fresh phone hacking probe, claims hacker

Police have launched a fresh investigation into phone hacking after receiving "significant new information", Scotland Yard has said according to a hacked phone call.
‘The highly confidential information that we have obtained under some very dubious circumstances relates to hacking at the News of the World (NoW), which led to its royal editor being jailed - if we are to believe anything our electronics expert called ‘Gerard’ says,’ said an BBC spokesperson who refers to himself as Bob.
The BBC also learned the paper sacked its head of news, Ian Edmondson, on Tuesday following an internal inquiry before the paper even knew it was going to sack him.
‘Another of our sources, who goes by the code name Barbara, said a trawl of Edmondson’s e-mails had found "highly damaging evidence" that had been passed to the police – maybe,’ said Bob before he disappeared through a back entrance to Starbucks

The car that has broken down in front is a Toyota

Caretaker Dalglish on Liverpool’s long term list

Liverpool Football Club’s caretaker Kenny Dalglish is expected to be to the list of candidates for the permanent position of manager. The scot will be in line for the Merseysiders’ hot seat and a long term contract that is envisaged to last well beyond a week. As caretaker, Dalglish is in charge until he gets the sack. As permanent manager, the chairman will firstly say that the manager has the backing of the board and then get the sack.
Dalglish, who won eight league titles as a player and a manager with Liverpool between 1977 and 1991, applied for the job in the summer after the departure of Rafael Benitez, only to be overlooked in favour of Hodgson because the board could not read his handwriting.
Asked what the criteria was for identifying the next permanent manager, Director of Football, Damien Comolli, said: "Competence, someone who will fit into the club and playing philosophy and huge on man-management - the three things most important to the club – and an ability to leave the premises quickly when given a P45 and Liverpool also have a great history of managers who mumble.”
Currently, as caretaker Daglish gets to lock up after everyone has gone home, mop the corridors and do simple handy man jobs around the ground.

Government powerless to stop bank bonuses to morons

Despite valiant attempts by the government, banks will pay big bonuses to the morons who run the industry in the UK. The banks argue that reducing or failing to pay out bonuses will result in key staff jumping ship to go abroad and ruin foreign banks.
The government owns 84% of the Royal Bank Of Scotland Group but the bank will still be paying £1 billion in bonuses as the people who own the other 16% are far more important than the taxpayers and don’t give a shit. The state owned bank has a proud tradition of not giving a shit as it recently proved when it backed a hostile takeover of Cadbury’s by Kraft, another company with a proud history of not giving a shit. Again, its owner the British government was unable to prevent the bank doing what it felt like as it only held 84% of the shares.
With the exceptions of bombing and occupying Iraq and Afghanistan, shifting entire communities to make way for airports and sports stadiums, raising unpopular taxes, deploying police to manhandle up a variety of protestors, dismantling a welfare state that still is the envy of the world, force councils to sack staff, the government is powerless to do anything at all. However Vince Cable, Business Secretary of the Condems government, tried extremely hard to persuade the bank, which it owns, not to give the bonuses. Details have emerged of at least one ‘phone call Mr. Cable made to reception at the bank’s Edinburgh headquarters in which he asked if “[he] could be put through to the person in charge of the payroll.”

Northern Ireland Water buffoon quits.

Laurence MacKenzie chief executive of Northern Ireland Water, resigned on Wednesday. His resignation follows criticism of his bungled handling of the region’s water crisis over the festive period which left millions and millions of householders with no option but to do the washing up in their own urine. Mr MacKenzie's departure was announced by the NI Water board of directors in the early hours of Thursday morning following an eight-hour meeting during the cricket.
The water shortage in the region was caused by billions of litres of water spilling onto the streets as cheap and nasty, badly maintained water mains burst in a heavy frost. Roads became raging rivers while severely dehydrated ordinary people could only eat crackers and crisps on Christmas day. Northern Ireland Water has apologised to its customers for its mishandling of the water shortage and admitted that the episode was "somewhat embarrassing". It is estimated the crisis will cost Northern Ireland Water hundreds and hundreds of pounds in small and insulting goodwill gestures.
Mr. Mackenzie, however, had already planned to resign as he due to take on his new post in oil spill management at BP.

Australian floods caused by NI burst mains

As Queensland city, Rockhampton, prepares for total submersion as flood waters reach their peak just about now, the Australia Government is considering legal action against the UK’s state owned Northern Ireland Water. The move follows the discovery that water lost from burst mains in the province since Christmas is responsible the floods in eastern Australia.
With crocodile and snake infested water levels of the Fitzroy River at nearly 9.4 metres, Rockhampton, ‘The Venice Of The South’, is deserted except for the emergency services and English backpackers.
Most observers including experts and meteorologists had originally blamed torrential rain for the disaster. It seems now that the trillions of litres of lost water from Northern Island which caused severe shortages in Belfast over the festive period have found their way through to the centre of the earth to the Antipodes. Officials say the flood bill could exceed A$5bn (£3bn) for the region and demand that NI Water should pay. Suspicions that the deluge was not the result of heavy rain was raised when, as flood water extended to cover an area the size of North West Europe, there was a strong smell of marmalade.

Student protesters in CCTV poll

Police have released CCTV footage of people taken during the student protests in central London in December. The police want the general public to vote for the student they would most like the police to interview.
The Metropolitan Police have issued the pictures taken from cameras in the Regent Street and Oxford Circus area of London on Thursday 9 December. The police say the newly-released images and footage show a bespectacled woman striking the royal car and causing damage to one of the convoy vehicles. If you’d like her to be interviewed, text the Metropolitan Police hotline with the word ‘Glasses’.
There are also the images of two men seen separately attacking the royal car. If you plumb for either of these cheeky chaps, text ‘Roller Man1’ or ‘Roller Man 2' to the number on their website.
Det Ch Supt Matthew Horne, of Operation Malone team, said: "We believe that most of the people whose pictures we have released may have committed serious offences of violent disorder and criminal damage but as we’re not sure we’d like to let the public decide.”
One lucky randomly chosen voter will receive a prize of an all expenses trip to be present at the interview and have the opportunity to ‘rough someone up a bit’.

Plans in pipeline for funny flood photo exhibition

As Australia’s ‘rain’ as the world’s biggest island continues to be threatened, funny photos of the Queensland floods are set to shown in an exhibition that plans to open in London. ‘Every morning, the front pages of the printed and electronic media have another clever photo of a partially submerged ‘Road liable to flood’ warning sign or a floating cricket bat. These images are keeping a story going that is otherwise dead in the water,’ said Jemima Waters-Broek, an exhibitions curator at a London gallery, ‘The press has been literally flooded with these funny shots. London is in desperate need of a good laugh, and hopefully this show will raise its dampened spirit.’
Floating houses and cars have presented the funnier side of floods as have people snapped struggling home from the shops chest deep in muddy water. ‘We are still waiting for the classic shot of sheep or cow in a tree or, better still, on a roof. Let’s face it, there has been a deluge of pictures of eucalyptus trees in acres of brown water and they are boring.’ said Ms. Waters-Broek.