Cap for foreign migrants

The Coalition government has reached an agreement with other European Union member states on a cap for non EU skilled migrants. The cap, which will be sown onto the scalp and contains a microchip, will make foreign skilled scumbags from outside the EU more easily identifiable so that abuse and discrimination can be targeted more effectively at the right people.
The agreement addresses a consensus that it is no longer clear who is who in the work place. A spokesperson from the coalition Condem government confirmed, ‘For many years now an increasing problem with migrants from Eastern Europe or the USA is that they look just like us whereas before it was much easier to target Commonwealth citizens who actually had every right to be here. We want to create a level playing field where everyone knows if they are Us or Them.’
The cap will be manufactured in partnership with Apple and be known as the I-Cap and the design will be chosen by Simon Cowell from entrants in a Blue Peter competition to be announced shortly. Mr. Cowell said, ‘I’ll be looking for something that jumps out at you and says ‘I’m here’ – even ‘X marks the spot’. I do not want to see wishy-washy pastels or those appalling crocheted things that hippies wear.’
Other solutions to the problem had included removing limbs, tattoos across the forehead and a rather attractive one piece shell suit in royal blue in which the migrant would effectively live. The Condem spokesperson added, ‘We felt that with the options available to us whilst wanting to identify the migrants, we also felt the means should be dignified as we still want to encourage sufficient numbers of migrants into the country so that we have a clearly visible scapegoat when the economy really goes through the floor.’