Scotland Invented The World and now it’s beaten it at Tennis!

Fergie proclaimed that Scotland Invented The World at a recent press conference held for the world’s greatest ever tennis player ever, Andy Murray. This controversial statement, made appropriately on Sunday – a day commonly associated with God’s day of rest after having created the world – will not have gone down too well with some religious groups. For many years The Seventh Day Adventists have had to contend with claims that the world is older than their estimate of 7000 years. These claims have been backed up by some very scientific evidence and the concept that the world (or the earth as it is often commonly referred to) is several millions years old now prevails. But now this boldness by the greatest ever football manager ever not to win the Zenith Data Systems Cup: that his country of birth, Scotland, invented the world! Of course, I jest. Sir Alex was simply referring to the key inventions that were also born in Scotland. A country’s inventiveness is inversely proportional to the quality of that country’s climate. Sunny places such as Australia are not as inventive as somewhere horribly wet and windy with grey mournful skies – such as Scotland. This is simply because people stay indoors more up North. They stay inside watching the rain come down as they twiddle their thumbs. But, of course, this doesn’t mean those down under don’t occasionally twiddle their thumbs out in the sun. The Australians invented wine box and beer koozie – both important features of a modern barbecue. Meanwhile in the weather worn granite streets over the inhospitable Northumbria borderlands, The Scots were determined to improve those long days spent indoors. They invented the telephone: ‘What is the weather like over your way?’ ‘Shite, pal. I’m staying in to twiddle me thumbs.’ They then further enhanced life within four walls by inventing the television. And, it was upon that TV, invented by a Scot, that I was able to watch that other Scot, Handy Murray, beat the world at tennis (sadly invented by the Sassenachs as their weather was marginally better).