On Christmas Day in the morn-ing.

Christmas Day is all about surprises. The tradition started, so the story goes, with the awkward astonishment of a child being born without any hanky panky between the parents - the traditional way to start a family. The day has since become a day celebrating not only the miracle birth but also the economic miracle of  Christmas Shopping and the surprising yield of till totals in the Oxford Street stores on the previous Saturday.  But, of course, the surprise we all look forward to most is that of our kiddies when they have frantically ripped the paper wrapped round a popular toy as seen on television. At least that was what I thought until this morning. As an excited child, I used to wake early on the big day to search for a large football sock stuffed with rustling goodies that would be at the bottom of my bed somewhere. Today I was awoken early by the somewhat surprising cracks of thunder that followed flashes of brilliant electric white that lit up my flat like a Christmas tree. After another week of high tides inland, a week when the end of the world was nigh, the advent of an surprisingly unseasonal electrical storm, traditionally a feature conceived in the balmy hot weather of summer, has made me feel uneasy. I am used to the light drizzle and dank mild of Christmas but not rattling window pains. It isn't just me that should be experiencing feelings of disquiet. I hope it is the executives, board members and major shareholders of the big business that encourage voluminous CO2 emissions who are looking out of their Hadley Wood or Weybridge mansions over the saturated landscape and feel an uneasiness in pit of their stomachs. Something is up.

Brad Pitt is Chanel 5

I heard his voice; I shuddered with the gravitas - the deep resonance, the pauses, the inflections.  I reached for the phone and my credit card expecting to see heartbreaking images of poor people dying because of some easily treatable condition such as poverty. But no, Brad Pitt, in a fine example of bathos, is the new voice of Channel 5, sorry, Chanel - Shan - elle - French, you see. What a donut. He follows in the footsteps of Anthony Hopkins - one time co-star and now, it seems, mentor - in trashing a classy reputation by doing a TV commercial for some puerile bollocks.. I expect to see him on the next I Was A Celebrity Once Please Help Me.

Great gift ideas from Amazon this Christmas

Some great gifts from Amazon...

Make someone's Christmas that little bit special with some fantastic books about tax avoidance.

10% drop in petrol sales

Finally - a headline to provide some cheer. We are finally cutting down on some of our fossil fuel consumption after thirty years of campaigning, summits, gloomy predictions and apocalyptic disaster movies. The nation should be patting itself on the back. It could be be that there are more fuel efficient cars or that we decided to walk or take a bus. It  may also have a little to do with not being able to afford to run a car or go to the shops anyway. But, hey, we should rejoice in the fact we have cut our petrol consumption by over 10% over the year. However the BBC quote a gloomy man from the AA, saying that we are simply voting with our feet at the greed of petrol companies. Who cares. Keep the prices high.

Cancer death rates to fall as they rise?

This is great news – and news based upon a report provided by a charity I have supported, Cancer Research.  I look forward to the rush to claim responsibility for the positive trend by politicians. Due to improved techniques of diagnosis and treatment, death rates -  the number of deaths per 100,000 - will fall by 17%. However, according to the BBC news article, ‘the total number of people who actually develop and die from cancer will increase’. Baffled.

Green Day: to music as Vesuvius was to Pompeii

Call me old fashioned but considering the complete dog’s dinner Green Day made of The Who's‘The Kids Are Alright’ – a perfectly brilliant song until they got hold of it - rehab is the best place for their ‘singer’ – as far away from a microphone as possible. Check it out on youtube if their version is still up. It could well have been taken down - not because of copyright violation but simply because it is so appalling.

Downton a triumph, Bonneville almost says.

Downton Abbey swept the Emmy’s last night claiming two of the most prestigious of the evenings gongs. While other shows were winning silly categories such as the award for Best Drama, won by Homeland, Downton stole the show with Outstanding Hairstyling for Single Camera Stuff and Best Music Leading Up To A Commercial Break.  Downton had also been nominated for Least Amount Of Movement From Actors While Delivering Lines; Slowest Delivery Of Lines; Least Amount of Sets Used and Most Inexplicable Global Success Considering Lame Script and Acting. Maggie Smith completed Downton’s great evening by scooping Best Supporting Actress but narrowly missed out claiming the award Longest Time Spent in One Costume During Series.

Clegg in the driving seat

When I was a child I had a driving kit. It was a pretend steering wheel with which I could pretend I was driving the car, complete with hooter, and stuck to the glove box by way of a suction pad that I had to lick. My dad would smile at me as he drove along, holding his wheel, while his feet were doing things I couldn’t see while I giggled and gurgled as I turned my bright red wheel left then right, willy nilly, and honked the squeaky yellow horn. For some reason this memory has come to mind while I read of Nick Clegg and Danny Alexander at their conference at the women’s institute hall in Brighton. They pretend they are sharing the driving with the Tories – all these alpha male policies to hunt down the wealthy’s tax. All these extra jobs promised at the HMRC while at the same time admitting they haven’t quite persuaded the government to pursue the rich with a mansion tax. 

Scotland Invented The World and now it’s beaten it at Tennis!

Fergie proclaimed that Scotland Invented The World at a recent press conference held for the world’s greatest ever tennis player ever, Andy Murray. This controversial statement, made appropriately on Sunday – a day commonly associated with God’s day of rest after having created the world – will not have gone down too well with some religious groups. For many years The Seventh Day Adventists have had to contend with claims that the world is older than their estimate of 7000 years. These claims have been backed up by some very scientific evidence and the concept that the world (or the earth as it is often commonly referred to) is several millions years old now prevails. But now this boldness by the greatest ever football manager ever not to win the Zenith Data Systems Cup: that his country of birth, Scotland, invented the world! Of course, I jest. Sir Alex was simply referring to the key inventions that were also born in Scotland. A country’s inventiveness is inversely proportional to the quality of that country’s climate. Sunny places such as Australia are not as inventive as somewhere horribly wet and windy with grey mournful skies – such as Scotland. This is simply because people stay indoors more up North. They stay inside watching the rain come down as they twiddle their thumbs. But, of course, this doesn’t mean those down under don’t occasionally twiddle their thumbs out in the sun. The Australians invented wine box and beer koozie – both important features of a modern barbecue. Meanwhile in the weather worn granite streets over the inhospitable Northumbria borderlands, The Scots were determined to improve those long days spent indoors. They invented the telephone: ‘What is the weather like over your way?’ ‘Shite, pal. I’m staying in to twiddle me thumbs.’ They then further enhanced life within four walls by inventing the television. And, it was upon that TV, invented by a Scot, that I was able to watch that other Scot, Handy Murray, beat the world at tennis (sadly invented by the Sassenachs as their weather was marginally better).

Pistorious Pissed Off

  

Oscar Pistorious lost out to speedy Brasilian Alan Oliveira in last night’s Paralympic 200m final (T43/44). Leading the field with 80m to go Pistorious was flabbergasted when Brazil’s blur of blue zoomed past him to hit the line first. The South African, who seemed to cross the line hours later although it was actually just a matter on nanoseconds, headed towards the first microphone he could see to vent his anger at coming second. The mike belonged to Channel 4 and, with miraculous fortune, C4 were having a break in their adverts for some Paralympics action. Oscar took the opportunity to blame his miserable second place on the fact that his victorious foe was taller than him and was thus able to run faster. Pistorious, it would seem, prefers to run against people shorter than him so that he can beat them.

BBC employs Di Canio

'.....Paolo Di Canio column: The transfer window is a good thing

BBC Sport have signed up one of football's most controversial and colourful characters, Paolo Di Canio....'

I am a bit confused. The last I heard was that self confessed fascist Paolo Di Canio was making ‘inappropriate’ comments to one of his Swindon squad – and acknowledged as so by the club to the player's lawyer: "The club accepts that the use of this phrase was inappropriate and apologises to your client for any upset that this has caused him."  This news item from the BBC - http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/18245752 - and refers to events in March of this year. The GMB union withdrew its sponsorship of STFC last year in protest at Di Canio’s appointment. Di Canio thinks the transfer window is good; he also thinks well of Mussolini.

Burning Man Bike Borrowing

The Burning Man festival is up and running in the Black Rock desert in Nevada. Over twenty-five thousand people assemble as Black Rock City literally springs up out of the inhospitable lifeless dust. It is worth considering if you want to get away from it all, though in this case ‘all’ means all and is not an excuse for lying by a pool with a good book and a cocktail. It means using one-ply toilet paper for a start and that would count me out! Who goes there? Judging from the advice about bicycles, nobody you’d want to meet...

HAPPY BICYCLING

    LOCK YOUR BIKE! It is recommended you lock your bike at all times when not in use... No bike is considered stolen unless the lock was cut, and no bike is considered lost until the event is over on Monday. If your bike is missing, you can file a lost bike report at Playa Info at any time during the event.

    DECORATE YOUR BIKE: It is much less likely your bike will be borrowed without permission if it looks unique.

    MARK YOUR BIKE: and ALL of your significant possessions (backpack, camera, etc.) with your name, phone number or email address, and camp location.

The first principle of the ‘culture’ of the city is to include everyone – and that means tossers who are likely to ‘borrow a bike without permission’.

BBC Paralympics Coverage of Medal Table.

A lot has been said about the BBC being outbid for the broadcast rights to the Paralympics. C4 pipped them to the ‘gold’ with a final round bid of 8-9 million. People at the BBC are apparently still gutted they lost the race to get the games. Even Gary Lineker is bemoaning the Beeb’s failure to retain its title as champion of Paralympics’ broadcasting. So, from three terrestrial stations’ coverage and plenty more online the BBC’s output has been somewhat reduced to Radio 5 and a few highlights and a link to C4 on its website. They have also reduced their attention to the medal table with seems to be updated each day by whoever gets in first in the morning. How much did the BBC bid:. five hundred quid? A grand? How much do they pay for the F1 season - how many people particpiate in F1, an extremely minority sport? C4, having picked up where the BBC couldn't be bothered to go, cannot be blamed for having short breaks in their adverts for a bit of paralympics action.

Cannabis smokers run risk of lower IQ.

Some users would disagree. The discussions I have overheard about the universe and how far it goes on for are mind boggling. I mean, it really does go on for a long way doesn’t it. And where does it stop? I mean that’s another question to mess with your mind. I mean, if it stops, like at a brick wall or something like that, the brick wall has to be somewhere too doesn’t it? It must be in another completely different universe. Not only that but it’s possible that the universe we are actually in is actually contained within an atom – and where is that atom!? Apart from that though, people who have a smoke are some of the funniest people around; like seriously smart and witty. Just the other day I was sitting with some friends in my garden. It was a beautiful, peaceful day. Hot – yeah but not seriously hot. There were clouds drifting over very slowly but it was still really nice. And my friends and me were sitting, well actually lying on blankets – you know, those really nice hand woven ones from Mexico, I got three of them from some stall in Camden, cos Camden is really great for stuff like that – and we were just looking up at the sky which was really blue – you know how sometimes it’s just seriously blue, you know: real blue. Anyway my two good friends were smoking and one of them suddenly said; ‘Check that’ and burst out giggling; ‘Richard Branson’, he said. The other friend started giggling as well. I didn’t know what they meant. My friend said, ‘In the sky – the clouds, it’s Richard Branson!’ And there he was - formed by the clouds! I started giggling as well. Then the pizza man came and my mate who’d seen Richard Branson had this Four Season with extra cheese pizza and a Sprite ‘cos it  was a meal deal – Sprite is seriously great when it’s hot - and my other mate had Americano with chips and  Sprite and I got this one with pineapple and kebab meat and I got a Sprite. Then my mate with the Americano and chips burst out giggling and said ‘Oh, no! Look at that.’ Both me and my mate who’d seen Richard Branson first looked up. ‘No, look, it’s Prince Harry.’ Said my other mate pointing at his pizza and there he was – Prince Harry formed out of some salami and chips, seriously funny...

Neil Armstrong: the final frontier

Neil Armstrong has embarked on his journey to final frontier. A fixture of my childhood like Elton John and Star Trek, the first man on the moon has sadly passed. And so, as if in cheesy tribute, William Shatner sings 'Rocket Man':

Dirty Harry?

For once, the press have gone too far. Publishing pictures of Prince Harry has shown the depths to which newspapers will go – to get totally uninteresting, non-newsworthy and boring ‘scoops.’ Henry’s dress sense with the swastika arm band was newsworthy: the heir to the very important UK throne’s idea of respecting sensitivities within his diverse realm. Pictures of him naked though? Is there no other news to report? Well of course, yes. It was reported yesterday on the BBC’s website’s front page that Tom Cruise had gone for a curry in St. Albans. That jockeyed for position with a story about a bad job of restoration on a church fresco in Spain. So, is it such a shock that Henry is naked? Well, maybe it is for a very small minority. For many years – well, until quite recently – I didn’t think the queen went to the toilet. The Royal Family had their appointment ratified by God at some point and I thought that one of the perks of being in a family chosen by God to rule was that they were spared some of the more irksome bodily functions. But I was wrong in that. They go to the toilet, have the squits and fart - just like their humble subjects – just like you and me. Likewise there are points in the day when they are naked – like in the shower or bath. I was naked this morning. And I have been naked with a woman as well. He is not alone in that experience. There are also points in the day when the Royals eat and chew. Are we to see I-phoned pictures of Hal eating a curry? How about drinking a cup of tea? Are we to see pictures of Harry having a dump?

UK Borrowing in July – different to what was expected.

Well, there’s a piece of news that wasn’t unexpected! The government has no idea what it is doing! Greece is about default while we have increased borrowing by 9 billion in the same period as in 2011. One again, it is clear that the politicians and civil servants who concoct all this nonsense are buffoons and number crunchers that could not make it in the private sector. The problem is that economics is not a science. If you drop an apple - the last time I checked - it will move with increasing speed in a downward direction – a scientific law. There is a global recession but the government didn't predict that North Sea oil production would decrease and thus affected corporation tax in a downward direction. Even so you cannot predict economic activity to the extent that the + or – error is de minimus. The + or- errors are adding up to be catastrophic. Human beings are capable of landing things that take nice pictures on Mars – the things also do soil samples too - unlike my Canon 400D. Why can we devote the same pedantic hard headed determination to get things right when it comes to the economy? Even if it isn't a science, some proper smart Alecs and Alices could do a better job the bunglers in the government.

Third Sino Japan argy bargy?

The ‘West’ bungled the second war between China and Japan.  Between 1937 and 1945, it was difficult to see which horse to back as, yet again, the West’s diplomacy and support was, and still is, motivated by money and self interest rather than moral duty. At one point Germany was China’s unlikely supporter while the UK and Soviets had pacts with the Japanese. There was much jumping from one ship to the other but the support in the end for China was meagre. It was only the minor complication of WW2 that realigned the ‘West’ against Japan after it attacked or took strategic locations in the region the most notable being Pearl Harbour.

Now there is some dispute over some islands that China once controlled. Thanks to the bungled interference or involvement by the US, who thought it their business to administer the islands after WW2 before handing them over to the Japanese in 1972, there is going to be more bungled diplomacy.

England beat Italy!?

Read all about it in Gazetta with a little help from Google Trasnlate:

Like Italy in Berne but losesDefoe gives victory to the EnglishBerne, August 15, 2012 

The National (with 8 rookies!) Was defeated 2-1 but offers interesting insights into the key to future. Ogbonna is already a certainty, others appear promising young growth. A De Rossi and Defoe Jagielka respond. Well Sirigu. At the stage of Young Boys in Berne, the boys of Young Italy Prandelli play a friendly discreet, against England, but end up defeated 2-1. De Rossi's goal in the first replicate and then Defoe Jagielka. Prandelli line up two rookies from the first minute, and El Shaarawy Right, and puts in another six per game in progress. In Switzerland they see everything in the camp seven boys from 23 years down. And as often happens in these cases, when youth is also excellent in some parts, but also tremendously generous, the reality is optional: many Blue are appreciated, but Italy surrendered to the British in the last 15 years ko in direct challenge. Good evidence of Right, which, however, still lacks malice sills, and Verratti, good to Ogbonna, who already knew, but it shows he means, ready for the games that count, then, those for the qualifications of the World 2014 in Brazil. Some anxiety about external low, while Italy as a module appeared to be more secure with the OMC that his trident attack.
ADVANTAGE IN ITALY - De Rossi, captain tonight, gives courage to kids of Young Italy: Cleverley hard on the tackle after 2 'is a message: do not be intimidated by the name of the opponent and caliphs as Lampard. Italy has come to Bern to experiment, but also to get a result. The blues are committed to execute the directives of Prandelli, never so didactic as in recent days in Coverciano, with the young students. The 4-3-3 with Diamonds to the right is willing, but not always effective. At 15 'marks the head of De Rossi, who is the right time from the right corner of Diamonds, which puts a hand in any dangerous action of the blue. Italy took the lead with goals in the eleventh National midfielder Roman and Romanist. It could well double. Right because it offers speed, bursting with his progress, launched in-depth, well everything except the left: oversized. Too bad. The Pharaoh El Shaarawy other special noted, is more departures than arrivals, but not sorry. Toddles, yes, and the technique is all: a number on the left with double dribbling at speed ripping applause, although not perfect. In short, as is normal, is the potential effectiveness. For now.ALSO ENGLISH - England has not the slightest intention of letting up. It marks the opponents emulating. Head, with a dip of Jagielka, ugly but solid, which anticipates Balzaretti, below par physically, in the scrum. Then Lampard tries twice the distance, with no luck. Is the interval 1-1.
CHANGES AND BEGINNINGS - After the interval Prandelli inserts Peluso. Also changes the form: Diamonds becomes playmaker, with the Pharaoh now second toe. Italy is the most effective way: it is a form he knows best. And Destro went close again in goal turned: Ruddy is careful about his post. Then Peluso to eat the icing on the cake of his rookie evening: butt the left just before the England goalkeeper. Prandelli changes again: well Verratti debut (out, even if used "higher" than usual, from playmaker) and Gabbiadini. England hit the post with Lescott melee, Italy gets along.THE TURNING POINT - Gabbiadini touches the goal for the Blues, and there would be all for the excellent second half blue, then a minute later Defoe is a nice goal with a shot from outside the pool area. Vince England. The Italy of the future must be content to take a small step at a time. The performance was positive for long stretches, the result not. But for that there will be many other occasions, evenings in which win will count very much anymore.