Cameron claims Ashes triumph for the government

British Prime Minister David Cameron has offered his congratulations to the England cricket team on "a brilliant performance" in Australia while claiming the triumph is the work of his government. England’s South African cricketers, by condemning to the antipodean ex colony to an innings defeat in Melbourne in a match that seemed to go on for days, have retained the Ashes.
"Retaining the Ashes for the first time in almost a quarter of a century marks a very special end to the year for the Conservatives - and a great late Christmas present for those families who couldn’t afford to buy any," The Prime Minister said. "It just shows how splendidly the country is responding to my well deserved spending cuts and shows just how well those cuts are bringing about positive changes. It is a fact that the records show that year after year, England cricket failed under Labour. We may have dishonoured all those who fought two world wars by starting to dismantle the welfare state they died for but it’s all worthwhile with a result like this.”

JJB Sports announces £31.5m fundraising through jumble sales

Chav and youth criminal outfitters JJB sports is to raise £31.5 million to meet its bank's loan requirements. Troubled JJB is planning to hold a nationwide day of jumble sales in the next few weeks to raise the funds lent to them by the Bank Of Scotland, a bank known for its abundant incompetence and complete lack of expertise in shrewd lending.
Sales in the six weeks to 19 December were down 15.7% on last year, JJB said. This fall was due to the bad weather conditions during the pre-Christmas period, the company said, and had nothing to do with the fact that JJB just sells rubbish.
JJB aims to cash in on unwanted Christmas gifts such as badly made, ill-fitting, garish sportswear bought from JJB itself that would be otherwise destined for an earthquake appeal in South America, Indonesia or the Lake District. They also expect a brisk trade in jumpers knitted by relatives, Top Gear Christmas annuals and Susan Boyle CDs.

Boyce backs Bernstein for bigger FA bribes

Inbound vice president of FIFA, Jimmy Boyce, has backed new FA chairman David Bernstein to improve realtions with FIFA by increasing the amount of bribes.
After suffering the humiliating defeat in November’s vote to host the World Cup in 2018 by simply under-bribing, the FA has had a long look at its bidding process and bank balance with the aim of increasing backhanders.
"England are a major force in world football money and financial relationships with Fifa should be at a high level," said Mr. Boyce, "I'm sure Mr Bernstein will try to ensure that the level of bribes will improve. I’d particularly like a villa in Amalfi.”
David Bernstein is also on the board of several companies including French Connection, Ted Baker and Blacks Leisure, and so future FIFA delegates will expect gifts from the FA ranging from cheap and nasty chav apparel to camping equipment in addition to the de rigueur bulging brown envelope. “It is only a matter of time before a great country such as England realises its full potential and achieves the highest order of bribes and backhanders. I’m in the market for a four berth family tent with awning.” said Boyce.

Government and Church in talks to move Christmas

The government has begun talks with senior church officials to move Christmas to another date in the year. This is the third year in a row in which Christmas has been a misery and a commercial flop due to the bad weather. ‘The country cannot handle the reality of Bing Crosby’s famous song,’ said Environment secretary Caroline Spelman.
The church is looking to the change image of Christmas as a dour gloomy celebration and will even consider changes to Christmas carol lyrics: ‘The church is about joy, jumping up and down and clapping with a big smile as tears of happiness run down your face and the nativity should be no different. And, after all Christmas in symbolic – it never really happened,’ said Bishop Roque of the cathedral of The West of England Where Faith Is Fun who has suggested a new version of a carol singer’s favourite:
Good King Wenceslas last looked out
One the feast of Stephen
Chucked a steak on the barbecue
And grilled it crisp and even.
Myra Slackly, who is recovering in hospital following a nasty slip on ice outside Greggs the Bakers in Oldham spoke for many who have suffered the same fate in this Christmas period: ‘They should definitely move it. I miss the good old Christmases of mild, damp, drizzly weather so maybe Christmas should be moved to the summer.’

Ambulance target wait increased from 19 minutes to ‘indefinite’

The government is scrapping the response time for ambulances reaching non-urgent 999 calls. Instead of the target of 19 minutes, non-urgent cases such as the unemployed and those on low incomes will face waits of up to an ‘indefinite period’.
The move has been described as ‘shocking’ by the General Municipal Boilermakers union while Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has underlined the urgent need to free up the nation’s hospitals for people who contribute to society and not wasters. ‘Those scrounging ne’er-do-wells having holidays in the Nelson Mandela Wing will now have to think twice about getting ill or having a violent accident. If they really are in a bad way they can get a bus.’
The move will also aim to free up the roads for the deregulation of private ambulances which currently have to be pre booked. Mr. Lansley said: ‘We envisage patients being able to hail a private ambulance whenever they want and for whatever need.’

The Government and ITV reveal Plan B

It is the perfect marriage of private enterprise and Tory ideology. If its Plan A fails the government has devised Plan B with ITV, in association with Harveys the Furniture People. The plan will be a massive programme of rebirth: rebuilding the communities that current government policies are in the process of destroying. The template will be the close knit community of Coronation Street with its one newsagent, one hairstylist and one pub and featuring homely, community-friendly cobbled streets. The pilot project is on the slate for 2012 in Salford Quay near Manchester. If successful, further Coronation Streets, in association with Harveys the Furniture People, will appear all over blighted inner cities in England and Wales. A similar plan is hoped to extend the same benefits to poor rural areas with Emmerdale, in association with Tombola the gambling people, being cloned.
One criticism, however, is that the manufactured community will just be a facade.

Police to offer water cannon jobs to students

First year student? Blown the rent on booze and social drugs? Skint until the end of term? The police could have the answer. Following recent scuffles with a few non middle class students on the streets of the capital, the Metropolitan Police are considering the deployment of water cannon in future to-dos and will need plenty of water cannon operators. And, who better than hard up students? ‘They’ve been complaining about tuition fees so now they can do something about it and something for the community at the same time.’ Said Chief Nabb of the Metropolitan Police’s Protest Unit, ‘The work will be part-time, mainly on a Saturday and some weekday afternoons. Successful candidates will enjoy an outdoor job, meeting lots of new faces and soaking them – and get a bit of extra pocket money.’

Knox in the dock: ‘I’m just too pretty to be a murderer.’

Amanda Knox, the most beautiful killer ever - since records began - is in an Italian court to appeal against her 2009 conviction for the murder of Meredith Kercher. Her appeal is based on the fact that she is simply too pretty to have killed anyone at all. ‘Throughout history, murderers have been easily identifiable by their ugliness and the uglier someone is the more likely they will kill at some time in their lives,’ said her defence spokesman. ‘It does not make any sense that someone as drop dead gorgeous as Amanda would participate in any kind of homicidal activity.’ The defence team claim to have DNA evidence that Amanda had been brushing her hair following a lengthy pedicure and facial at the time of Kercher’s brutal murder. ‘Everyone knows you don’t start brandishing sharp cutlery about when you’ve just had your nails done.’
The defence also cite the extremely homely knitwear worn by Knox as further evidence that she couldn’t possibly be the kind of maniac that perpetrates violent crime. ’Look at the jumper she has had on in court this week: a multi-tone grey number with that ever so cute white collar effect. And, on top of all that overwhelming evidence - she knitted the garment herself.’
The appeal continues.
Knitting patterns can be downloaded from her website.

Nobel awarded a Nobel.

This year’s Nobel Prize for War goes posthumously to Alfred Nobel himself for his groundbreaking contribution to warfare all around the globe. His inventions, dynamite and gelignite, were literally ‘dynamite’ as they dramatically increased the destructive and killing capacities of war.
Alfred Nobel was Swedish and the son of the inventor of plywood. The ambitious Alfred saw no future in cheap wooden products in Sweden and so turned his attention to explosives. While spending time researching war, Nobel made a discovery: ‘Wars would just go on and on – the Hundred Years war for example,’ said Stewart Winchester, Professor of War at The London School of War, ’with very little being resolved and certainly not enough in the way of destruction and killing and Alfred saw this as a global problem.’
And certainly, without Nobel’s unselfish work, the First World War would not have been the Great War that it eventually came to be known as. Alfred unfortunately died before he could see his explosives not only kill more people than he could ever have dreamed of but also become one of the most effective tools of urban redesign. And now, thanks to Alfred Nobel’s work, there is some kind of war in every corner of the globe. ‘Where would the world be today without the work of Alfred Nobel?’ said Professor Winchester.

Assange delight at Mastercard hack

In a very brief statement Julian Assange expressed his delight at the hacking of Mastercard credit card payment network. Asked what he thought of the handiwork of Anonymous, Assange replied: ‘Priceless.”

‘I was on the toilet when I heard John Lennon had been shot.’

It is that time of year when we recall exactly what we were doing when we heard the terrible, epoch ending news that John Lennon had been shot dead in Dakota.
‘I was at home on the toilet when why wife shouted: “Non lemons been hot.” – which I thought was a strange thing to be saying. It was not until later that I realised what she had meant,’ recalled Reginald Wreath in Henley.
‘I was swimming lengths in my local pool when this swimmer in the adjacent lane passed me going in the other direction and out of the blue just said ‘John’. The next time he passed he simply said ‘Len.’ It took another four lengths to tell me the terrible, epoch ending news,’ said Siobhan Grubb of Derry
Henry Huffeffa of Wrexham writes, ‘I remember hearing the news about John Lennon being shot just as I was watching a documentary on TV where people recalled exactly what they had been doing when JFK had been shot.’
‘I was there!’ emailed mchapman55@yahoomailadoo.com

Are snowflakes really all different?

They can’t be...can they? The BBC’s Winterwatch wants to find out - once and for all - and is asking the public to send in as many snowflakes to the programme as they can. The Winterwatch team will sort through them to see if they can find a matching pair. If they do, whoever sent in the matching snowflakes will be guests at the BBC’s Wildlife Personality of the Year.