Cameron claims Ashes triumph for the government

British Prime Minister David Cameron has offered his congratulations to the England cricket team on "a brilliant performance" in Australia while claiming the triumph is the work of his government. England’s South African cricketers, by condemning to the antipodean ex colony to an innings defeat in Melbourne in a match that seemed to go on for days, have retained the Ashes.
"Retaining the Ashes for the first time in almost a quarter of a century marks a very special end to the year for the Conservatives - and a great late Christmas present for those families who couldn’t afford to buy any," The Prime Minister said. "It just shows how splendidly the country is responding to my well deserved spending cuts and shows just how well those cuts are bringing about positive changes. It is a fact that the records show that year after year, England cricket failed under Labour. We may have dishonoured all those who fought two world wars by starting to dismantle the welfare state they died for but it’s all worthwhile with a result like this.”

JJB Sports announces £31.5m fundraising through jumble sales

Chav and youth criminal outfitters JJB sports is to raise £31.5 million to meet its bank's loan requirements. Troubled JJB is planning to hold a nationwide day of jumble sales in the next few weeks to raise the funds lent to them by the Bank Of Scotland, a bank known for its abundant incompetence and complete lack of expertise in shrewd lending.
Sales in the six weeks to 19 December were down 15.7% on last year, JJB said. This fall was due to the bad weather conditions during the pre-Christmas period, the company said, and had nothing to do with the fact that JJB just sells rubbish.
JJB aims to cash in on unwanted Christmas gifts such as badly made, ill-fitting, garish sportswear bought from JJB itself that would be otherwise destined for an earthquake appeal in South America, Indonesia or the Lake District. They also expect a brisk trade in jumpers knitted by relatives, Top Gear Christmas annuals and Susan Boyle CDs.

Boyce backs Bernstein for bigger FA bribes

Inbound vice president of FIFA, Jimmy Boyce, has backed new FA chairman David Bernstein to improve realtions with FIFA by increasing the amount of bribes.
After suffering the humiliating defeat in November’s vote to host the World Cup in 2018 by simply under-bribing, the FA has had a long look at its bidding process and bank balance with the aim of increasing backhanders.
"England are a major force in world football money and financial relationships with Fifa should be at a high level," said Mr. Boyce, "I'm sure Mr Bernstein will try to ensure that the level of bribes will improve. I’d particularly like a villa in Amalfi.”
David Bernstein is also on the board of several companies including French Connection, Ted Baker and Blacks Leisure, and so future FIFA delegates will expect gifts from the FA ranging from cheap and nasty chav apparel to camping equipment in addition to the de rigueur bulging brown envelope. “It is only a matter of time before a great country such as England realises its full potential and achieves the highest order of bribes and backhanders. I’m in the market for a four berth family tent with awning.” said Boyce.

Government and Church in talks to move Christmas

The government has begun talks with senior church officials to move Christmas to another date in the year. This is the third year in a row in which Christmas has been a misery and a commercial flop due to the bad weather. ‘The country cannot handle the reality of Bing Crosby’s famous song,’ said Environment secretary Caroline Spelman.
The church is looking to the change image of Christmas as a dour gloomy celebration and will even consider changes to Christmas carol lyrics: ‘The church is about joy, jumping up and down and clapping with a big smile as tears of happiness run down your face and the nativity should be no different. And, after all Christmas in symbolic – it never really happened,’ said Bishop Roque of the cathedral of The West of England Where Faith Is Fun who has suggested a new version of a carol singer’s favourite:
Good King Wenceslas last looked out
One the feast of Stephen
Chucked a steak on the barbecue
And grilled it crisp and even.
Myra Slackly, who is recovering in hospital following a nasty slip on ice outside Greggs the Bakers in Oldham spoke for many who have suffered the same fate in this Christmas period: ‘They should definitely move it. I miss the good old Christmases of mild, damp, drizzly weather so maybe Christmas should be moved to the summer.’

Ambulance target wait increased from 19 minutes to ‘indefinite’

The government is scrapping the response time for ambulances reaching non-urgent 999 calls. Instead of the target of 19 minutes, non-urgent cases such as the unemployed and those on low incomes will face waits of up to an ‘indefinite period’.
The move has been described as ‘shocking’ by the General Municipal Boilermakers union while Health Secretary Andrew Lansley has underlined the urgent need to free up the nation’s hospitals for people who contribute to society and not wasters. ‘Those scrounging ne’er-do-wells having holidays in the Nelson Mandela Wing will now have to think twice about getting ill or having a violent accident. If they really are in a bad way they can get a bus.’
The move will also aim to free up the roads for the deregulation of private ambulances which currently have to be pre booked. Mr. Lansley said: ‘We envisage patients being able to hail a private ambulance whenever they want and for whatever need.’

The Government and ITV reveal Plan B

It is the perfect marriage of private enterprise and Tory ideology. If its Plan A fails the government has devised Plan B with ITV, in association with Harveys the Furniture People. The plan will be a massive programme of rebirth: rebuilding the communities that current government policies are in the process of destroying. The template will be the close knit community of Coronation Street with its one newsagent, one hairstylist and one pub and featuring homely, community-friendly cobbled streets. The pilot project is on the slate for 2012 in Salford Quay near Manchester. If successful, further Coronation Streets, in association with Harveys the Furniture People, will appear all over blighted inner cities in England and Wales. A similar plan is hoped to extend the same benefits to poor rural areas with Emmerdale, in association with Tombola the gambling people, being cloned.
One criticism, however, is that the manufactured community will just be a facade.

Police to offer water cannon jobs to students

First year student? Blown the rent on booze and social drugs? Skint until the end of term? The police could have the answer. Following recent scuffles with a few non middle class students on the streets of the capital, the Metropolitan Police are considering the deployment of water cannon in future to-dos and will need plenty of water cannon operators. And, who better than hard up students? ‘They’ve been complaining about tuition fees so now they can do something about it and something for the community at the same time.’ Said Chief Nabb of the Metropolitan Police’s Protest Unit, ‘The work will be part-time, mainly on a Saturday and some weekday afternoons. Successful candidates will enjoy an outdoor job, meeting lots of new faces and soaking them – and get a bit of extra pocket money.’

Knox in the dock: ‘I’m just too pretty to be a murderer.’

Amanda Knox, the most beautiful killer ever - since records began - is in an Italian court to appeal against her 2009 conviction for the murder of Meredith Kercher. Her appeal is based on the fact that she is simply too pretty to have killed anyone at all. ‘Throughout history, murderers have been easily identifiable by their ugliness and the uglier someone is the more likely they will kill at some time in their lives,’ said her defence spokesman. ‘It does not make any sense that someone as drop dead gorgeous as Amanda would participate in any kind of homicidal activity.’ The defence team claim to have DNA evidence that Amanda had been brushing her hair following a lengthy pedicure and facial at the time of Kercher’s brutal murder. ‘Everyone knows you don’t start brandishing sharp cutlery about when you’ve just had your nails done.’
The defence also cite the extremely homely knitwear worn by Knox as further evidence that she couldn’t possibly be the kind of maniac that perpetrates violent crime. ’Look at the jumper she has had on in court this week: a multi-tone grey number with that ever so cute white collar effect. And, on top of all that overwhelming evidence - she knitted the garment herself.’
The appeal continues.
Knitting patterns can be downloaded from her website.

Nobel awarded a Nobel.

This year’s Nobel Prize for War goes posthumously to Alfred Nobel himself for his groundbreaking contribution to warfare all around the globe. His inventions, dynamite and gelignite, were literally ‘dynamite’ as they dramatically increased the destructive and killing capacities of war.
Alfred Nobel was Swedish and the son of the inventor of plywood. The ambitious Alfred saw no future in cheap wooden products in Sweden and so turned his attention to explosives. While spending time researching war, Nobel made a discovery: ‘Wars would just go on and on – the Hundred Years war for example,’ said Stewart Winchester, Professor of War at The London School of War, ’with very little being resolved and certainly not enough in the way of destruction and killing and Alfred saw this as a global problem.’
And certainly, without Nobel’s unselfish work, the First World War would not have been the Great War that it eventually came to be known as. Alfred unfortunately died before he could see his explosives not only kill more people than he could ever have dreamed of but also become one of the most effective tools of urban redesign. And now, thanks to Alfred Nobel’s work, there is some kind of war in every corner of the globe. ‘Where would the world be today without the work of Alfred Nobel?’ said Professor Winchester.

Assange delight at Mastercard hack

In a very brief statement Julian Assange expressed his delight at the hacking of Mastercard credit card payment network. Asked what he thought of the handiwork of Anonymous, Assange replied: ‘Priceless.”

‘I was on the toilet when I heard John Lennon had been shot.’

It is that time of year when we recall exactly what we were doing when we heard the terrible, epoch ending news that John Lennon had been shot dead in Dakota.
‘I was at home on the toilet when why wife shouted: “Non lemons been hot.” – which I thought was a strange thing to be saying. It was not until later that I realised what she had meant,’ recalled Reginald Wreath in Henley.
‘I was swimming lengths in my local pool when this swimmer in the adjacent lane passed me going in the other direction and out of the blue just said ‘John’. The next time he passed he simply said ‘Len.’ It took another four lengths to tell me the terrible, epoch ending news,’ said Siobhan Grubb of Derry
Henry Huffeffa of Wrexham writes, ‘I remember hearing the news about John Lennon being shot just as I was watching a documentary on TV where people recalled exactly what they had been doing when JFK had been shot.’
‘I was there!’ emailed mchapman55@yahoomailadoo.com

Are snowflakes really all different?

They can’t be...can they? The BBC’s Winterwatch wants to find out - once and for all - and is asking the public to send in as many snowflakes to the programme as they can. The Winterwatch team will sort through them to see if they can find a matching pair. If they do, whoever sent in the matching snowflakes will be guests at the BBC’s Wildlife Personality of the Year.

Sir Peter Hall lambasts Lord Treasurer’s thrifty quarter truncation of fiscal favours to the manufacturers of fictions of comedy and tragedy

Sir Peter Hall, who must be over 100 by now, has criticised the government’s intended 25% cut in its arts subsidies. Receiving an award last night at the Lah de Dah Evening Stannit Theatre Awards at the Savoy ballroom, Sir Peter, who is famous, described the cuts as ‘insane’. After drooling over his Golden Seagull, Sir Hall called upon writers and actors and to make ‘loud noises’ so as to put a stop to the cuts. He said, ‘For decades now, the entire population regardless of class, education, background, colour, religion, has paid for the arts through taxes just so that a tiny, tiny privileged minority could go to the theatre – and now we have a fight to keep it that way.’
A twenty-five per cent cut in theatre funding budgets would have some dramatic effects in theatre. The nation’s obsession with Shakespeare would be tested. ‘We would have to cut back the Baird’s works. Twelfth Night would be reduced to Ninth Night while other plays would have to merge to A Midsummer Night’s Much Ado or MacHamlet,’ bellowed Sir Peter to the stunned audience. Sir Peter then stomped his feet, burst into tears, cried ‘It’s just not fair!’ before exiting stage left.

Early snow is government’s fault say Labour

The Labour front bench has launched a scathing attack on the Condem coalition’s mishandling of the weather. Cheryl Nimbus, Shadow Weather Minister said, ‘It is no coincidence that, with the brutally anti poor legislation of the public spending review, we now have returned to the early snows and gloomy cold days of Tory rule.’
The last significant early snow fall was seventeen years ago – again during a long Tory spell. ‘Average temperatures during Conservative parliament consistently fall behind those of Labour Governments. The country suffered a daily average of just 4 degrees during Thatcher’s rule – seasonally adjusted of course,’ said Nimbus, ‘well behind Labour’s average of 25 degrees under Blair.’
The Condem Secretary of State of Weather, Nick Frost, defended the Conservative’s record: ‘How can the Labour Party have the front to criticise our handling of the weather when the two worst winters since the war of ;47 and '78 have both been during Labour rule.' However, according to the Shadow minister Nimbus ‘the worst winter anywhere in the world ever was in 1963 and that was under the ‘You’ve Never Had it So Warm’ Macmillan reign!’
When asked how the Condems could possibly control the weather at all, Ms. Nimbus said, ‘Well they obviously have a big shiny laser gun thing which they point at the sun or clouds or something don't they.’

Taliban imposter not the first

The so called Mullah Omar who posed as a Taliban official is not the first fake to reach the headlines over the last few decades. Operating from an office above Greggs the Baker in Watford, ‘Look! It’s..!’ Lookalikes and Imposters Ltd provides doubles and impersonators for every occasion and ‘Mullah Omar’ was one of theirs - and not a shop-keeper from Quetta as has been widley reported.
The man who met senior Afghan officials was Nigel Chalmers, a part-time bookkeeper from Bushey who also doubles as George Harrison and Rasputin at fun charity events. ‘We pride ourselves on our commitment to discretion.’ said managing director, Marilyn Monroe, ‘and Nigel pulled that job off brilliantly.’
The British government has refused to comment on allegations in the Washington Post about the faked Taliban official, suggesting they may have been duped by other imposters in the past. Closer scrutiny of images of Gordon Brown reveals that his glass eye swapped sides frequently. ‘Many of the world figures we provide doubles for have needed a few days off from their jobs at crucial times and we’ve stepped into help. Mrs Thatcher was, for many years, Steve Oak, a florist from Harpenden.’
The firm’s biggest job is far fresher in the minds of the nation. ‘It was an abject failure – we took on a job too far,’ confessed Ms Munro, referring to the performance of the England football team in South Africa, ‘When they say the England team failed to turn up, they were right.’
One saving grace for the British is that Ms. Munro’s company also supplied all the other ‘officials’ at the now infamous meeting in Afghanistan. ‘President Karzai was, in fact, a chap from PC World in Luton.’

Electrification plan to replace steam trains on London - Swansea line on hold

The government has once again stalled on plans to electrify the London to Swansea railway - a line that still operates coal fired steam trains. Wales, an area the size of Wales, has once again been left behind according to The Shadow, Peter Hain: “It is a disgrace that in this day and age, rail travel to Wales still entails travelling in an open top carriage at speeds of 15 miles an hour.”
The situation is, of course, not the Condems fault: "We should not forget that the last government failed to electrify a single centimetre of track in Wales during their 13 years in office, “ the Secretary of State for Wales, Cheryl Gillan, said.
But, according to Peter Hain, “The minister should get her facts straight. The Labour Government electrified an inch and a half of line in east HaveveverFordwest - the bit just behind Big Daddy’s Niteclub.”
When asked when the issue would be addressed again, Cheryl Gillan said “I am thinking about it but Christmas is on the way and I have lots of presents to buy - and my aunt’s family is coming over from New Zealand.” She added, “Wales is full of poor people who probably can’t afford rail travel anyway, unless they’ve nicked the tickets.”

Threat of Data Protection fines forces BBC to stop using names.

Following the first fines meted out under the Data Protection Act the BBC has announced it will no longer use any personal names for anyone either working for - or appearing on - the BBC.
The BBC has often been in the firing line for the flagrant disregard for the privacy of members of the general public. Last year, a local news item about litter in Dorset hedgerows featured anti-litter campaigner Hermione Chubbwater. Chubbwater’s life became ‘rubbish – a living hell’ following the report’s broadcast. She was forced to change her name to Sheila Prattle and now lives in Exeter.
‘We do not want to take any chances’, said the BBC’s Legal Officer, John Smith. ‘We use public funds to provide a service for that same public and they don’t expect us to grass them up.’
Anyone featuring in a news report will be referred simply as A, B, C, or, if they prefer, Mr. or Mrs. Smith. This will apply to presenters throughout the BBC’s media with sport and televised football posing a particular challenge. ‘We intend to keep player’s names confidential. This will result in one team being referred to as 1 to 11 and the other, A to K.’ said BBC’s Director of Sport, John Smith. The practice of using cover names is, however, not new. John smith explained, ‘We have been using pseudonyms – albeit very obvious ones – for many years in horse racing to protect the horse. You may have guessed Red Rum was not that horse’s real name.’
Other suggestions for aliases include job related names. The weather, for example, would be presented by Bob Cloud rather than Peter Cockcroft.

Cap for foreign migrants

The Coalition government has reached an agreement with other European Union member states on a cap for non EU skilled migrants. The cap, which will be sown onto the scalp and contains a microchip, will make foreign skilled scumbags from outside the EU more easily identifiable so that abuse and discrimination can be targeted more effectively at the right people.
The agreement addresses a consensus that it is no longer clear who is who in the work place. A spokesperson from the coalition Condem government confirmed, ‘For many years now an increasing problem with migrants from Eastern Europe or the USA is that they look just like us whereas before it was much easier to target Commonwealth citizens who actually had every right to be here. We want to create a level playing field where everyone knows if they are Us or Them.’
The cap will be manufactured in partnership with Apple and be known as the I-Cap and the design will be chosen by Simon Cowell from entrants in a Blue Peter competition to be announced shortly. Mr. Cowell said, ‘I’ll be looking for something that jumps out at you and says ‘I’m here’ – even ‘X marks the spot’. I do not want to see wishy-washy pastels or those appalling crocheted things that hippies wear.’
Other solutions to the problem had included removing limbs, tattoos across the forehead and a rather attractive one piece shell suit in royal blue in which the migrant would effectively live. The Condem spokesperson added, ‘We felt that with the options available to us whilst wanting to identify the migrants, we also felt the means should be dignified as we still want to encourage sufficient numbers of migrants into the country so that we have a clearly visible scapegoat when the economy really goes through the floor.’

Twin Attacks Hit Capital of Yemen

Aden, the pop and dance music capital of the world and whose music industry is responsible for some of the biggest selling records of all time, has been lambasted by one half of global superstar singing duo, The Twins. ‘Twin’ complained that the weather is not much good and you can’t get a decent Frappocino anywhere.

Breaking news

The BBC is the foremost broadcaster on the planet – both in television and radio. It is revered throughout the world as the last bastion of quality, objective news on the airwaves. The BBC cuts through the mists of misunderstanding to serve unadulterated news to a worldwide audience hungry for the lean, unfattened truth. Citizens of far flung communities not only get the best information about the nearest and furthermost neighbours but can also learn the greatest language in the world by listening to the World Service – and by doing so adopt the perfect Home Counties accent. There is no buttering up the listener with cheesy gimmicks as they listen to the most objective news gathering service in the world with its constant flow of objective unbiased output such as its anti Islamic special reports.
Over the years the BBC has been right there right when it matters. It maintains a vast global network of correspondents who hold down full-time jobs as fruit picker, rickshaw drivers, miners, chorus line dancers, sex workers and who are ready in a flash to bring us the breaking news over the ‘phone, video satellite or over the wire. Someone was there at The Berlin Wall, Tiny man Square, JFK, 1966, Shea Stadium, a clearing in the forest, Concorde, Titanic, Agincourt...The BBC has the last word in being first with the news.
And today, amidst the turbulence in the mixer of dangerous times, the BBC steers its crusading course and brings you, this day, the hottest, hardest news: global spending cuts, terrorism, ecological disasters. Yes, and on this day it also brings you the news that counts, that matters, that makes us – as one –stand back and think about the world. Yes as it all boils over in Yemen, the BBC brings us the earth shattering news that Greggs the Baker is introducing croissants into its range.
But within a few minutes the news item disappeared – eaten up by the news editor and replaced by a broader more newsworthy piece about Greggs’ improved breakfast sales. Crumbs!
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-11482293