Hague to guarantee medal bonanza for Team GB

The government is on the verge on ensuring Britain’s dominance at the forthcoming Lea Valley Olympic games. Foreign Secretary, William Hague, who isn’t actually foreign, will virtually guarantee a clean sweep of every medal going in the games by banning any individual foreigner he pleases. Athletes will be barred entry on the grounds of possession of unfair advantages over our home grown athletes.

While Hague was keeping the names of individuals to himself because he is like that, he confirmed "The power exists to stop people coming to Britain if we think it's not conducive to the public good," he told me. "We won't hesitate to use that power."  And the sight of a Team GB coming last in a heat of the running fast event for grown ups would be extremely demoralising to a country that has had to cut all kinds of vital public services to pay for the games.