Le Royaumie-Uni à Eurovison.

Well heck, thank God for that: 12 points. What a relief. No danger of the UK having to go Eurovision next year. Our master plan of staying well clear of winning by losing as heavily as possible continues to reap dividends finishing, yet again, in the bottom five for the sixth time in ten years. We also went one better this year of sending a much cheaper solo act and a fairly low maintenance one at that with Englebert popping off to bed quite early and avoiding running up a huge rock and roll bill in the Baku Premier Inn. The poisoned chalice is picked up, once again, by Sweden who had the misfortune to win the competition for the fifth time. Wait though, am I being honest with my feelings here? Am I really in deep despair at the humiliation? Am I just laughing off the pain by putting the whole thing down? Well, one comment I accidentally read provided the most skilful spin on one of the UK’s greatest losses ever in the contest’s 57 year history – apart from our fantastic three ‘lasts’. For all of you who secretly wanted us to win the competition and instead became increasingly depressed and despondent as the evening wore on, there is the most perfect explanation of why we did not do not win. According to one continental European citizen from a country that actually makes an effort, the UK is regarded as the music capital of the world – it is untouchable; it has no peers apart from the US which is no longer in Europe. The UK has produced, per capita, more hot bands and performers than any all the other countries in the world put together.  Albums from Brit bands of forty years ago still roam the world's charts like some ancient mythical God. At any time in the world, night or day, someone, somewhere, is humming a tune that came from the UK. Despite this we send, each year, a song composed of complete dross to the Eurovision: a dazzling show that a lot of people have put a lot of effort into – making shiny stage curtains, putting out chairs and tables, organising the cloakrooms etc and making sandwiches. All the contestants from other countries cannot help hide their sheer pride and ecstatic joy at having performed on the biggest and greatest stage of them all (outside the UK). We are given short shrift by the hod carriers of Europe because, supposedly, we can’t be bothered to make an effort.